11 February 1999

Another update: I've been sick as a dog for the last three weeks. I was surprised because the treatment plan I have chosen works with the immune system and is not very toxic. But later I learned that they've added a low dose of chemo over the first five treatments and I get a large dose at the end, so I assume that's the issue.

Today I'm up, finally. It's nice not to feel completely overwhelmed by even the small things I'd like to do, like unpack from the last trip to Tennessee.

Despite the fact that I felt lousy, the reports are that the treatment is working and that we are "challenging the natural course of disease." I thank God for that, because the natural course is dire indeed (with only 50 percent of those diagnosed surviving the first year). I'm continually grateful for prayers. I know they sustain me. I've been so glad to have been spared any feelings of fury at God about this. In fact, just as the Christmas Eve service began, I was flooded with a feeling that it wasn't God's will that I die. This was very helpful, because I'd been feeling that if it was, I would want to comply somehow, but now I'm free to fight it fully.

There's talk of a third round of treatment in March, but at present I don't feel nearly strong enough. Plus there are things I want to do at home to strengthen my heart, like take walks with my daughters, stare at Lake Huron, join in a circle of drumming women, go on dates with Bill, sing hymns.